Illness.

I find it really odd to say that i'm ill.
Because my illness isn't physical, other people don't think i'm ill either.

In my opinion, i feel that having a mental illness is so much worse than most physical illnesses.
A broken leg heals.
A broken mind often doesn't.

I can't even begin to explain my illness, i don't think anyone can.
Medical professionals will try, they'll label you, depression, anxiety, OCD.
But do i have them things?
I just know how i feel and i wish i didn't feel how i feel.
I also don't know why i feel the way i do.
I've had blood tests and scans and stuff and it isn't any sort of chemical inbalance.
I've not reeeeeeeeally suffered any really traumatical event.
I've just always been sad.

I guess i do have a few reasons for not being happy, but i don't know why i'm so low.
I've literally being bullied all of my life until i was about 15.
I was bullied for my teeth, my looks in general, how skinny i was, my height.
I was also bullied for being pathetic, annoying, morbid, on edge.
I also forever got told i was attention seeking and nothing was wrong with me, even by teachers.

But something was, something is wrong with me. I don't know what but i know it's there.
It's like a huge cloud of doom inside of me which won't shift and which will never rain out.

The thing is, i guess i could say i'm kinda happy with my life.
I have brilliant friends, a caring mum, a roof over my head. And soon i'll be moving to Lincoln so i can be with all my friends constantly.
But that doesn't make ME happy.
I'm not missing anything, that i know of.
It's just a sadness that won't shift.
A sadness that could be with me forever.

Everything has been tried, therapy, councelling, ect. Nothing like that worked at all.
But now i'm taking 50mg of Fluoxetine a day, which is an anti-depressant. And i guess that's helping a bit.
It doesn't make me feel better, but it stops me from feeling worse most of the time.
When i don't have them for a day for some reason, i'll be really on edge.
I still shake a lot, suffer extreme panic attacks when i try to go out anywhere, especially alone.
I still self harm without knowing i'm doing it.
I still check under my bed/in my cupboards/behind the shower curtain ect every time i'm in a room to check no one is there.
I still see the most disturbing thoughts. And hear the most disturbing things.
I'm still haunted with this feeling of doom.

But i'm trying to think more positively.
I AM moving to Lincoln.
I AM starting back at a new college with new courses.
I AM going to have a better quality of life.
I AM going to do everything i can to help myself.
I AM going to go out more and calm down my social anxiety.
I AM going to recover.
I am. I will. I'll do whatever it takes. I need to. I need to recover. And i will recover.