Lincoln plans:

Monday 29th:

• Get the train to Lincoln.
• Arrive at Lincoln, have dinner with Roshan and go back to hers.
• Party at Chloe Ekins. Take sneaky photos of everyone with Jodie.
• Stay at Roshans.

Tuesday 30th:

• Spend the day with Roshan?? Do whatever just have a nice nice day.
• Stay at Roshans again.

Wednesday 31st:

• Idk something ~~~~~
• Stay at Rosies, just have a nice afternoon/night together chilling yeah :)

Thursday 1st:

• Chill with Rosie, Chloe and Jodie at the lawn if the weather is still fab.
• All stay at Rosies with really sad films and cuddle cry.

Friday 2nd:

• Chilling with everyone in the day again woowoo.
• All stay at Jodies, paint our faces like butterflies ;) 
• 3454353455 photos all week but probably most on this night whilst we look like dicks.

Saturday 3rd: 

• Going home okok erm Jo might be coming with me for pride idk maybe whatever will update when i know ok x

Hmm.

I've been feeling so good for a while now and i love it
But then every night i get so fucking scared
Scared because i know soon it'll all go downhill again
Scared because i know it'll feel worse than ever after actually feeling happy.

Diary for the rest of the month:

Just writing this here and i'll keep adding to it ok-

• Tuesday 16th - I read and played Lego Lotr all day.
• Wednesday 17th - 
• Thursday 18th - Town with my mum. Hopefully go meet Jordan.
• Friday 19th - Clean the house for no apparent reason.
• Saturday 20th -
• Sunday 21st - Seeing Carys for the first time in ages!
• Monday 22nd -Staying at Amy's.
• Tuesday 23rd - Spending the day with Amy. Amy is staying at mine.
• Wednesday 24th - Orange wednesdays.
• Thursday 25th -
• Friday 26th - Alice staying over.
• Saturday 27th - Manchester tumblr meetup.
• Sunday 28th -
• Monday 29th - Go to Lincoln!!
• Tuesday 30th - ~see lincoln plans~
• Wednesday 31st - ^^^^^^^^^^

The past few days.

I've been such a social butterfly and i've actually felt confident and good within myself which is an amazing change.

On Wednesday i went to Leeds and saw my long-time friend Alice who i haven't seen for months, we did some shopping and then she stayed over and we got super fat off a fab indian takeaway. It was nice to catch up with her and spend some time with old friends as i have been neglecting them a lot recently with all my new friends and aaah.

Thursday after Alice went home i went up to Tesco with my mum and saved a little butterfly from probable death trying to fly out of the window, which was about 10 meters away from where it would have actually have been able to get out. I also bought a bonsai tree and i've wanted one for so long and it makes me feel peaceful and tranquil and the little flowers are starting to blossom and i won't even get mad at the beautiful thing when it gives me hayfever.

Friday i caught up with Shauni, my loveeeellly friend who i haven't seen in actual years. It was lovely to just sit and chill (all we could do in this weather). It was also super nice because it was like we'd not been apart for all that time, we just talked as we always do, just including things we've missed in each others life. We took loads of photos but putting pictures in these makes me feel itchy so i've stopped doing that. The only people who have me on here have my facebook too so they can just see them on there.

Today i met the awesome Amy for the first time and it was super cute. We just clicked because neither of us felt awkward or went weird and we just hugged and started talking like we'd known each other forever. She's ridiculously beautiful, even more so than she is in her photos wowee. We spent the day shopping just mooching around and basking in the sun, shared pizza and made a friend in Lush ;D
We also made our own Juice smoothies and they were fab and i also got to see her boobs in Ann Summers so laughing at you.
I definitely can't wait to see her again and no time can be too soon! We're hopefully going to have a sleepover next time and it'll be fab because we love the same films so we can have a geeky movie marathon! (and cuddle lots shhh)

I met back up with my mum on the way home because she'd gone to visit my nana in Leeds hospital and we went into CEX and bought a shit load of DVD's all for £11.50! I got The Matrix complete boxset in there WITH the Animatrix DVD included! Super excited to watch that.

Anyway this has been another blog post beep beep beep goodbye

Party

Just been sat here listening to The Great Gatsby soundtrack and it's really made me want a Great Gatsby style party.
Everyone has to dress in the right style, hair, makeup, jewelry, everything.
There will be champagne and silly little canope's (spelling???) and stuff.
We'll all dance to the soundtrack and other songs in that style/from that era ect and it will be fab.

Somehow i don't think it'll be quite this... But i'll get balloons and them party string shit so we have a similar effect ;( maybe dance in the bath? OR HAVE IT IN A GARDEN AND USE A BLOW UP POOL. Idk. Maybe.

I'll think of something but i want this to happen, i'd just be scared no one would come.

Scared

I'm so scared of everything recently and i don't know what to do
All i want to do is sleep and cry and cut and i've spent today ripping open my scars with my nails and teeth because the house is full and nothing sharp is around
I don't know why i feel like this, nothing is going wrong, my life is probably better than it has been ever but i still want to die
I feel worthless and useless and nobody really wants me around and i know it i'm just a waste of space
I haven't eaten a real meal since tuesday and that was only half a pizza and before that for 2 weeks i didn't eat much either because of visiting my nana in hospital and everything it got in the way and im just not hungry any more now and i've lost half a stone but i'm too scared to eat incase i get addicted and can't stop and blow up and up and up and then everyone will hate me for being disgusting and ugly more than they do already because it's desirable to be skinny but i hate being skinny but i don't want to be not skinny i just don't want this i don't want to be me anymore

You don't make sense.

How can you be pissed at me for sleeping with a girl..
When you slept with a GUY last week yet you're lesbian?

Wow we saw each other for like 2 months if that you don't own me and you don't have the right to get jealous over something that you'd do yourself.
Infact you don't have the right to get jealous over anything.

:-)

I have just had the best few days ever.

Lynsey came up Wednesday night and we just sat and chilled and talked for a bit and it was lovely. We went to sleep 'nosing' haha. (Sleeping nose to nose) and it was cute and comforting.

Thursday we were meant to go on a picnic but it started raining so we stayed inside and ate instead and took hundreds of pictures. It was more fun than it sounds, promise ;)
Then that night we got ridiculously drunk whilst watching Kill Bill. We took so many drunken gifs and the weirdest video and then sat and cried to Waterloo Road together. Which then leaded to sad cuddling, which then leaded to.. Hahahahhahaa.

Friday i was ridiculously hung over but i managed to get over it and we went to Leeds anyway. We got the bus to tropical world and took loads of photos then too and Lynsey cried at how cute the monkeys were ;) we had a walk around Leeds after that and spent far too much money on icecream and drinks ect because it was sososo warm.

After watching American Pyscho we had an early night and had to be up at 5am to get to the train station for her train home. I really didn't want her to leave because she is wonderful and i just feel so comfortable and confident around her and that's a really rare thing for me. I waved her off at the train station and burst out crying before i could even get back through the ticket gates because i'm a massive saddo.

I love her to bits and, i'm not going to lie, in some ways i wish she was single (well she is, but not mentally i don't think..) and interested in me because she makes me so ridiculously happy and i feel like i can be myself around her. I know i can.
Although i ridiculously like her though i'm not going to dwell on that, if something happens it happens, but i'm not expecting anything, and i won't act differently to her because she doesn't feel the same.
I just feel like i've spent the last few days with one of the most amazing people i will ever meet :)

I feel... Happy.

I didn't think i could, especially after the weekend i just had which i completely broke down in and relapsed worse than i ever have before.

But after the general shitness of the weekend, things started looking up on Sunday night.

Lynsey told me she'd finally booked her tickets to come up Wednesday and now i can get properly excited because i know it's actually happening now and eee.
I just looked at the weather and it's meant to be gorgeous on Thursday and Friday so that will make our plans be able to happen and that's lovely.
I'm thinking on Thursday we should go for our cute picnic somewhere and take loads of cute photos in a field and just chill out and talk and spend a nice day together. Maybe take some drink out with us then continue drinking when we get back to mine and take ridiculous pictures and gifs and whatever else happens. I'm the worst drunk so i'll probably jump on her, oops.
On Friday i'm going to take her to Leeds so we can shop and i can take her to all the cute anime and gamer places and comic shops ect because i know she'll love them. We may also go for gay ~friendship~ tragus piercings.
Then after shopping, or before, whichever, we'll go up to Tropical World and take so many photos, i can't wait to photograph her in the rainforest butterfly house because with her hair being red she'll be like a butterfly herself and she's soso beautiful and just has the nicest face to photograph.
Unfortunately, she has to go home really early on Saturday morning because of her work, but i guess that's an excuse for a Greggs cheese and egg toastie for breakfast!
I know i'm going to get super emotional when she leaves and i'll probably do an old movie thing and run after the train crying with a hankerchief hehe. But yeah. It'll be sad for her to leave but it'll be worth it because we'll have had the best time.

I'm also happy too because after the whole incident where we found out a certain 'friend' hadn't really been a friend at all ect.. It's just brought  me, Chloe and Jodie closer together. And i'm happy about that.
Me and Chloe were close anyway but i hardly spoke to Jodie, and i don't know why because she's such a lovely and funny person and we get on so well, i just wish we'd have talked before and not based our opinions on each other on what we'd heard from another person.
Jodie and Chloe are also coming up to Bradford at the start of August for a few days, we're going to Leeds gay pride on the Sunday so they're coming up on the Saturday and staying until Tuesday and it will be fabulous.

Hopefully soon Buttershaw will finally send my reference to College (i'm going to ring up again tomorrow and go MAD at them for not doing it again even though Lincoln College resent it a month ago, sigh.) But as soon as they get that and then Lincoln tell me i have my College place i can finally move down, because that's all i need now. To show the people who are helping me move ect that i have a place so everything can get sorted out with finally getting down. I have somewhere to rent. It's just waiting for this that is ruining it for now, and it's taking longer than i wanted and hoped it would.

But that's the only downside to what seems to be finally feeling happy.
Hopefully everything will go as planned and this mood will last and i'll feel a whole lot better.