most random post but

chloes birthday cake if i out it here i can't forget to do it kkkkk

Being the bad guy

So today all the shit kicked off that came to light on thursday night.
My friends had been waiting until today so they could speak to the person about it to her face instead of having a stupid facebook/text argument about it all and being immature about it.

This was all fine, i listened into the convo and heard everything that was going on, everything was brought out, nothing was resolved but everything was out in the open and everyone kind of knew where they stood.

But then i got an angry facebook message and then a call from the girls friend blaming it all on me and making me out to be the bad person when i'm the one who got fucked around and bullshitted to for the past however many months.
Apparently i'm a shit stirrer because i didn't come and say it in person when i live 80 FUCKING MILES AWAY and that if anyone really cared about me they'd have waited until i came down.
No. Really.
Stop bringing yourself into things that don't involve you.
You also blamed me for bringing you into the middle of this when i didn't even fucking speak to you about it and denied knowing everything because i didn't want to start shit off before today or have you feeling guilty about it ect.
YOU brought yourself into it. Not me.

Disappointment.

I am so fucking angry i can't even express it in words.
I haven't felt this betrayed by someone in a long time.
But i've also never been so disgusted by how someone acts towards the people who they're meant to care about.
Being lovely to everyones faces but a total cunt about them all behind their backs to everyone is not going to get you anywhere darling, ESPECIALLY when you're saying the shit to people who are friends with them. Wow.

Just. I don't even want to go in to it. I have no words.
Just.
No.

Today.

Today has been vile.
I accidentally overdosed because i didn't realise you couldn't take the tablets i took whilst on anti depressants.
My mum was out and i went into the kitchen to be sick, felt faint, then my mum came home to me passed out on the kitchen floor in my own sink. She helped me up and i was shaking like mad and i keep throwing up and i can't eat anything at all and ergh
I don't know how people can do this purposely it is the worst feeling ever

Why

Sometimes i don't know why i bother.

I seem to be someone you talk to whenever you're bored and have nothing better to do.
You say you care for me loads and that i'm your favourite person, but most of the time you completely forget i exist and don't talk to me? I don't understand.
You don't check my messages for hours even though you're online doing other things, and i don't understand why.

If you don't want to talk to me why can't you just tell me instead of playing the ignorance card and avoiding me? Ergh.

I don't even know what to think of this whole situation anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know if i can take this.
I don't know if i can deal with all this shit.

Fucks sake.

Sigh.

I miss you.
Well no, i miss a lot of things. A hell of a lot of things.

I miss Rosie and her big smile which makes you want to smile right back at her. I miss her hugs and how she makes me feel so safe. I miss how we can just sit in silence and not be awkward. I just miss everything about her.

I miss Lynsey, i haven't talked to her since Wednesday since she went to Download and it feels so odd after about a month of talking every day. I hope she's having a good time and is still alive and stuff and aaah. I've text her a few times to check up on her but she hasn't replied so little old me is worrying as always.

I miss Claudia. I want it to be that Wednesday again. There are so many things i'd do differently. I wouldn't be so shy. I wouldn't take about an hour to find the guts to hold her hand. I would have kissed her goodbye and made her realise how much i appreciate her.

I miss Chloe and how hyper she is and i miss making weird food with her. I miss sitting and taking the piss out of peoples gifs and copying them and taking ugly selfies. I just miss hanging out.

I miss Roshan and her pretty little face. I miss fraping her and turning everything into Nigel Thornberry. I miss eating far too much food, and then fitting in icecream. I miss watching really odd lesbian films with her. I miss watching the mighty boosh and singing along and i just miss everything about her. I miss talking to her loads and i can't wait for monday to be over and done with so her last exam is over and she has no more revising to do!

I miss a lot more, but i don't want to bore whoever actually reads this. Apparently someone from Indonesia? I don't know how you found me but hey!

But yeah. Sitting in feeling sorry for myself because i'm also ill and exhausted so i might aswell make myself feel even more emotionally shit too! Wahey.

Exhausted

I am so physically and mentally exhausted at the moment.
I can't remember the last time i got a good nights sleep, or even a 'meh' nights sleep. It's been well over a fortnight.
As exhausted as i am, my body won't allow me to sleep. It likes to torture me. My mum looks genuinly worried about how shattered and run down i look most of the time because i just can't sleep.
I just need a good nights sleep, or two, to at least recover a tiny bit. I cannot deal with this.

And i'm mentally exhausted with everything.
I'm really glad that i have somewhere to stay so i can actually move to Lincoln now but it's really not that simple. First i have to sort out allll of my bank, doctors, dentist, ect, move it all to Lincoln. Get a tennancy license with who i'm staying with. Get the money starting to go to them.
Then i have to obviously pack up all my things, all my clothes, most of my personal belongings, and somehow find a way down there with all that since we can't drive there as my mum can't drive and my dad has fucked off forever now (which is good except it'd have been OK for just a bit longer if he could have drove us ok)
Then i have to settle in and unpack and get everything just right and spend a week or something getting them to trust me and getting myself comfortable in someone elses home.

Also i'm really upset at what i got told today.
Apparently my nana is considering not having any treatment for her cancer because it's not cureable, even though it could reduce the size and prolong her life.
But she doesn't want to get really sick off of chemotherapy.
I know i'd most probably do exactly the same in her position but i can't even think of how much it'll damage my mum. She'll have no one.
She has no friends, and really only talks to me and her mum up here.
With me in Lincoln and my nana potentionally dying, she'll be alone.
I know she'll probably move down here if she does die so she can be closer to me, but i will feel so guilty.
Why did i have to time things so wrong?

Restricted

I want to talk to you more and get really close to you and spend loads of time with you but i feel like i can't.
I can't without a certain someone getting jealous and thinking i'm stealing their freinds again, sigh.

I find you so interesting and you're literally the most fantastic person i've ever had the privillige to talk to and ahhh.
You are so beautiful inside and out and i just want to hug you and go on adventures and do things that make us happy.

This sounds like i really fancy the person sigh, i don't.
I just love them so much as a friend and want to do loads of awesome stuff with them and make awesome memories and aaaaaah.

Idk. IDK.

Illness.

I find it really odd to say that i'm ill.
Because my illness isn't physical, other people don't think i'm ill either.

In my opinion, i feel that having a mental illness is so much worse than most physical illnesses.
A broken leg heals.
A broken mind often doesn't.

I can't even begin to explain my illness, i don't think anyone can.
Medical professionals will try, they'll label you, depression, anxiety, OCD.
But do i have them things?
I just know how i feel and i wish i didn't feel how i feel.
I also don't know why i feel the way i do.
I've had blood tests and scans and stuff and it isn't any sort of chemical inbalance.
I've not reeeeeeeeally suffered any really traumatical event.
I've just always been sad.

I guess i do have a few reasons for not being happy, but i don't know why i'm so low.
I've literally being bullied all of my life until i was about 15.
I was bullied for my teeth, my looks in general, how skinny i was, my height.
I was also bullied for being pathetic, annoying, morbid, on edge.
I also forever got told i was attention seeking and nothing was wrong with me, even by teachers.

But something was, something is wrong with me. I don't know what but i know it's there.
It's like a huge cloud of doom inside of me which won't shift and which will never rain out.

The thing is, i guess i could say i'm kinda happy with my life.
I have brilliant friends, a caring mum, a roof over my head. And soon i'll be moving to Lincoln so i can be with all my friends constantly.
But that doesn't make ME happy.
I'm not missing anything, that i know of.
It's just a sadness that won't shift.
A sadness that could be with me forever.

Everything has been tried, therapy, councelling, ect. Nothing like that worked at all.
But now i'm taking 50mg of Fluoxetine a day, which is an anti-depressant. And i guess that's helping a bit.
It doesn't make me feel better, but it stops me from feeling worse most of the time.
When i don't have them for a day for some reason, i'll be really on edge.
I still shake a lot, suffer extreme panic attacks when i try to go out anywhere, especially alone.
I still self harm without knowing i'm doing it.
I still check under my bed/in my cupboards/behind the shower curtain ect every time i'm in a room to check no one is there.
I still see the most disturbing thoughts. And hear the most disturbing things.
I'm still haunted with this feeling of doom.

But i'm trying to think more positively.
I AM moving to Lincoln.
I AM starting back at a new college with new courses.
I AM going to have a better quality of life.
I AM going to do everything i can to help myself.
I AM going to go out more and calm down my social anxiety.
I AM going to recover.
I am. I will. I'll do whatever it takes. I need to. I need to recover. And i will recover.

Meh.

I think i might have an eating disorder.
I've took online tests and they say i'm at a high risk of it but idk.

I lie to myself and say that i eat loads when really i'm just drinking tea when i get hungry to make up for it.
I normally have one meal a day, today it was breakfast. I don't really feel like eating anything else.
But the thing is, i want to put on weight. I hate being this ill and this skinny..
But i just can't eat, the thought of it and actually eating makes me feel so so sick. Sometimes i'll have massive binging sessions and then i'll not eat for days.

My mum has definitely noticed but i keep trying to trick her into thinking i'm eating too and i don't know why.
I don't know what i'm doing.
I don't know what to do.

10th June

I'm not really sure how to deal with today.
To be honest, i don't really know what i'm doing.

My medication ran out without me knowing and i haven't had any since Friday night now and don't get them until tomorrow and i'm sososo on edge.
I didn't realise how much they were helping again since they doubled my dose but now i don't have them i realise how much i depend on them which is really fucking scary.

Also i think things are going cock up with Claudia as she's just admitted she doesn't want to get serious with me because she's got other things to focus on and i 100% understand and respect that but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like fuck.
I really thought this was going to work out and be good and i'd finally have something to be happy about.

Idk all i'm really looking forwards to at the moment is Lynsey coming up and having a week where i can forget about everything.

9th June.

I'm really pissed at myself for being so anti-social.
My best friend stayed over last night and i literally had nothing to say.
She was feeling down and i didn't know what to do to help that so i just sort of gave up and hoped pizza would be enough.
I'm normally good with these things.

Just, argh, idk. I just feel really fed up atm because i'm in a sort of 'limbo'.
A month away i may be moving down to Lincoln.
But what do i do until then? I can't buy house things because i'll be renting out a friends spare room until i can legally rent at 18...
I can't just go down and be like YOOO. Because i have nowhere to stay.
I just sit here and... Sit.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I mindlessly blog on tumblr for hours and half of the time i don't even register what i'm reblogging, i just notice a good photo/text post at the time and reblog it, and forget about it two seconds later, i'm surprised i don't multiply reblog the same things over and over again.
I keep in contact with all my Lincoln friends obviously, but it's just not the same as seeing them in real life.
It's hard to keep tabs on everything and know how they all are and stuff when they're all so busy and don't have much time to talk online, whereas i could bump into them in person and have a 10 minute chat. It's just not thar simple.
It's also hard to keep Claudia happy, i don't know how she's feeling about our situation most of the time and i don't dare ask incase i hear something i don't want to, sigh.
I just want her to be happy.. But happy with me.. Which is cheesey as fuck but i don't even care anymore. I like her. I think she likes me. But it won't work out until i actually get down there and we can have met more than one time and i can prove to her i'm not going to leave unless she wants me to.

Ergh idk what this post even is i just needed to rant.
Pretty much feel like a poo friend and a poo person and just poo in general and i want to sleep.

Ps. Taking my medication with cider last night was NOT a good idea. Never do that again Sam you silly thing.

5th June

Today was actually quite nice
I managed to sleep in until 10 which is verrrrrrry late for me.

Anyway, me and my mum decided to go for a walk up to Tesco since we live so close and had pretty much 0 food in.
I found some really lovely matching plates and bowls on sale so i was just like YEP. I bought 4 of each for when i move out and arghhh. First things towards my new home. Exciting exciting.
I also found this 'vintage style' radio which is cute as anything, and my mum bought it for me so i'm really happy, i don't even listen to the radio.

But yes, it's finally becoming more real that i actually am moving and leaving Bradford and i WILL be in Lincoln. I WILL be with my friends. I WILL be happy.

Pretty much pointless post but i wanted to write something and had nothing else to blog about, sorry guys.

Re-gaining touch.

A rare thing, for me anyway.

Most times when i lose touch with someone it never returns.
But it's just happened.

My best friend from up here, Sonia. Recently we pretty much completely lost touch because she was so wrapped up in college ect and i didn't want to bother her so we didn't really talk for months.
But now her final exam of the year is over, we've started talking more again.
She's just popped up too and asked me if i want to start doing stuff more again since she'll finally have some free time, and isn't having to constantly stay in looking after her sister the times she is free.

I'm not really sure where this is going, but it's made my day, as cheesey as that sounds.
I've definitely missed her a lot and i might not have bothered telling her that to not sound clingey, or so it didn't seem like we'd finally grown apart, but yeah. It feels nice that she still cares.

This is probably the worst thing i've blogged yet and it's wrote so badly but i just wanted to write about it okokok :(((

Creepy childhood memories..

Do you ever think back at some childrens shows you used to watch, and remember how creepy they actually were?
I do.


The other day i was on the phone to Lynsey and we somehow got onto the topic of the Tellitubies. Harmless, right?
No.
Did anyone else watch that creepy fucking 'The Lion and the Bear' scene? The awful animals on wheels. Ergh. It wasn't the lion that scared me. It was the bear. The bear with the brown fuzzy hair. Then he pulled that fucking face where he stuck his tongue out and wiggled his eyes. No. No. No.

Seriously, just watch it. Look how genuinely creepy and worrying it is. I remember crying at it and having actual nightmares over this scene. No.

Another thing was 'Him' from The Powerpuff Girls, the big creepy devil lobster thing with possibly the worlds most eerie voice. Actually, at the time of watching it, i don't think he bothered me THAT much. Yeah, it was a bit scary because he was always out to get the Powerpuff Girls, and he had a creepy voice. But looking back on it... He's just... Ergh. Words cannot describe my fear.

Another thing you look back on and realise how creepy it was, Mr Blobby. Anyone remember that guy? Some fat pink thing with yellow spots and weird eyes who danced and jumped around with children? Sometimes i wonder how these things were allowed.
JUST LOOK AT THEM EYES. THAT SMILE. HE'S LIKE A DRUGGED UP, AIDS RIDDLED VERSION OF MR CHIPS FROM CATCHPHRASE. AHHHHHH. No. No. No. I used to love this guy, why?!


The worst thing i saw on TV during my childhood though was definitely a episode of ER that my mum was watching. Some guy had been rushed to the hospital in a helicopter, and when they got him out, he jumped up and his head was cut off by the propellors which were still going, ergh.
Watching it now, i know i wouldn't care, i've seen worse. But when i was like, 6? It was creepy. Especially because i didn't really know about dramas. I thought it was a real thing. I thought that had actually happened to someone and that i'd witnessed it happen.

There's probably a lot more things, and i'll definitely update this when i remember any. But they're my top 4.

Ignorance.

People seem to do this thing to me recently..
We'll talk a lot for a while, become really good friends, ect.
Then one day. They just start ignoring everything you say. See what you've sent. Don't reply.
Or when they do reply, they seem really blunt and end the conversation.

Now i don't know if this is just me and the way i perceive things because i always think negatively, or i genuinly do something wrong after a certain period of time to put people off.

I guess most people leave in the end. Most people don't care really. Most people just want to talk to someone for a short time when they're bored and nothing else is happening in their lives.

I don't even know where i'm getting with this. I know it's ME seeing it the wrong way.
I know people have lives.
I know i shouldn't expect people to be always there for me just because i'm always there for them.
What do i do with my life at the moment?
Sit at home? Watch shit daytime TV? Rant on here and tumblr and stalk everyone to make sure they're okay so i don't have to talk to them and bother them?

Yeah.
That's what i do.
I don't study.
I don't revise.
I don't work.
I don't go out.
I don't do anything.

I'm not busy like them.
Sort yourself out Sam.
You're going to push everyone away.

Ergh.

Today i got my implant taken out... (this is going to be pretty ew so yeah)

I never really had it for contraception, obviously. I just have the worlds most confused periods.
But ever since starting my anti-depressants, i've bled constantly. I was on the pill too at the same time to stop this but they wouldn't let me carry that on, so now i've had a 2 month period, and i was sick of it, so i went to get this peice of shit cut out.

So yeah i got up nice and early at half 7 and got off to the doctors.
Waited what seemed like hours for my appointment to come up the screen even though it was only 15 mins late.
Laid down, got 6 tonne of local anesthetic shoved in my arm, that made me ill enough since i have massive needlephobia.
Then.. As soon as it had kicked in and i couldn't feel my arm. BANG. In goes a scalpel. Straight down. An inch into my skin. Blood squirted everywhere. Why did i watch?
Next thing i know there were huge forceps going up inside the wound to find my implant. Then i passed out. Why did i watch?
Came back around with the doctors table thing leaned back to get oxygen to my brain. She started pullling it out again. Why did i watch?
It finally popped out after 5 minutes of struggling and tugging, pulling loads of blood out with it. Why did i watch?

Spent about 20 minutes laid down after that, after almost throwing up and passing out more.. And then going mental from the lightheadedness, seriously, i was laughing at nothing and i bit my mum really hard without realising. Why do needles do this to me? I get so scared that i go pyschotic.
But yeah i got home and took the dressing straight off because i wanted to see what it looked like. I wish i didn't. I took a picture. I had to lay down. Almost passed out again. Well done Sam. I'm not normally squeamish, but i hadn't eaten or drunk all day. Good move.

Escapism

I have quite a big problem..

I'd love to act and become different characters to escape from my own life, be someone else with their own problems ect for a while..
But my crippling anxiety stops me from doing anything like that.
Stops me from leaving my house the majority of the time.
Stops me from having any confidence in myself.
Stops me from even trying to do something along them lines.

I feel pathetic that i feel this way too.
After i read about the whole 'Sad Keanu' thing, i felt so stupid.
He's had a worse life than me. He's been through worse.
Yet he still does it. He goes out, he acts, he becomes someone else.
I wish i was strong enough to do that.

I find it hard enough meeting new people, especially if it wasn't planned.
Just last week i met Lynsey in town in Lincoln for the first time, it wasn't planned, we just bumped into each other, and i genuinely froze up and couldn't speak because i was so anxious and panicy to say anything. I'm glad Rosie was with me to talk or i'd have seemed so ignorant and rude and ergh, i really really do hate anxiety.

Also another fucking awful thing is i have nothing to escape in most of the time.
Some people listen to music to make themselves feel better, to forget the problems. I can't.
Some people make art. I can't.
Some people write. I can't.
The only thing i can do is read, which helps for a certain amount of time, but i can't read more than 2 chapters anymore without getting distracted and losing concentraction completely, for no reason, i just can't keep a hold on what is going on.

I've genuinly tried as many things as i can think of to help me get over my anxiety, or at least calm it down, and nothing had worked so far. My anti-depressants are meant to help but i don't think they do at all, they just stop me from strangling myself.

I'm hoping when i finally move to Lincoln i'll be able to go on walks without arming myself with my keys and having the fear of someone constantly following me. Hopefully i'll be able to lose myself in nature and just sit in fields and walk through forests and feel free of all my troubles, even if it is just for an hour or so.
And hopefully my friends will always be up to go out just to do anything at all, take my mind off of things, show me there's hope. Show me they care. I'm not used to people caring. But i know they do. I know i'll be better there. I know i can recover.

The little things that make me anxious..

• Having to use a toilet other than my own
• Using other peoples toiletries
• Not having the correct change for the bus
• The bus in general
• Having my bedroom curtains open after sunset
• My books/DVDS/ect not being in alphabetical order
• Not having the volume ending in 5 or 0
• When the home phone rings
• When the music isn't on the Sky planner
• When a TV programme i watch regularly isn't on because of a sport event
• When people wave at me
• Having my wardrobe doors open at night
• If my bed covers touch the radiator

I can't even.
I can't think of anything else even though i know there's much more
There's a lot more things which aren't 'small things' too but that's a completely different topic completely.
It doesn't help that i'm watching Elementary at the same time as writing this so i'm a little distracted.

Lincoln.

Most people say they're proud of where they came from, or at least you should be.
But me.. I'm really not. I hate it here. It's so run down and there's so much crime it's disgusting.
If it was the same as it was say... 50 years ago, when it was clean and the countryside wasn't full of heroin needles, i'd like it a lot more.
Bradford really has gone downhill even since i was born, people keep making Documentaries about here trying to make it look nice.. And it's still awful. They show the nicest parts, and it's horrendous still.

Anyway, this post isn't about Bradford. It's about Lincoln.
I just love it there. The air seems so clean, the people are nicer, i feel accepted and the scenery is beautiful. The worst parts of Lincoln are still better than the best areas of Bradford.

It seems so weird that the only reason i really know about Lincoln is because of Xbox..
If my friend hadn't had an xbox friend who had an xbox friend which led to facebook friends.. Then i wouldn't know Rosie. (complicated i know but i cba writing it out properly)
And because of Rosie, i'm a better person than i was a few years ago.
We became friends about 4 years ago now, and hit it off straight away. We used to spend ages on webcam to each other and on the phone just chatting about random things, and the december of that first year we started talking, she came up to see me. We've been best friends ever since.
She's kept me strong through so much and i honestly don't know where i'd be without her, or if i even would be here.. And i can never thank her enough for that. She is as big a part of my life as my mum. And i know she always will be.
Through going to see Rosie in Lincoln many times, i've met other brilliant people through her and have realised how great Lincoln is for me.


I was in Lincoln all last week, i only got to see Rosie for 2 days as she was extremely busy and had a wedding to attend, and that sucked a bit. But it gave me time to finally get out of my shell and properly go and see my other Lincoln friends and stay at theirs.

On Tuesday me and Rosie went into town to get her eyebrows waxxed and ended up bumping into Lynsey and her friend Elsa. I pretty much almost froze up and went all anxious and awkward because it wasn't planned and i had no idea what to say. We went our seperate ways and then i felt like a rude cunt so i text Lynsey inviting her and Elsa to dinner with us. When we met back up and went for dinner, it was actually really lovely. I stopped being so awkward and anxious and just had a nice time. Lynsey was super lovely, just as she is online, which is a shock because sometimes people are mega different. We ended up being fat and sharing a desert afterwards, which was tasty as fuck. It was also nice to not feel so jittery with someone new so close to me ect. Gah, she's beautiful. Photogenic people who are even more beautiful in real life are poo and i hate them a bit because of that :(
Elsa was also really nice and it was cute because she was kind of more 'hippy' and her and Rosie were all like YAYYAYAYA about life and yeah it was a nice day in the end, even if the walk home took forever because we stopped to buy cat phone charms...

On the Wednesday i met Claudia, the first date i've ever been on, well, kinda. I'd been on one with a guy but that was before i realised my sexuality and it was shit so i don't count it at all.
We went for a Starbucks and got to know each other a bit before going to see The Great Gatsby. The film was good and i felt happy. I made a move first for the first time in my life and held her hand throughout the movie, it might not seem like much to anyone else, but when you really like someone, and it's the first time you've ever met them in real life, it feels so so nice just to hold them in any way.
Sadly we didn't get to see each other again throughout the rest of the week because her mum killed her for not revising for her important Science exam.. But yeah. It was lovely, and things are still chilled i think. We're taking things slowly as we can't see each other all the time at the moment, but i can say that i do feel butterflies in my stomach when we talk, which is something i'm really not used to. But yeah, i'm really hoping everything works out because it'd be lovely and i'd love to make her happy.

That night i stayed at Chloes' and we pretty much spent the whole night taking unattractive photos because we're too silly to take nice ones. It was lovely though and we made quorn chicken pasta bake which was yummy and then had THE nicest red velvet cupcakes ever, thankyou tesco. I also met Chloes' dog, Barney, and he was such a mental bastard. He was obsessed with me and would not stop jumping up for my boobs, oh dear. But yeah, it was nice to spend some time with her where we could just sit and chill.


For the rest of the week i stayed at Roshans', which i thought might be mega awkward at first since
i'd never met her before this, even though we had been talking for months on end.. But it was nice and comfortable and i didn't feel too anxious which is a major plus for me. We got on really well and it was like we'd known each other for years. She had work on the first night until 11, but we went for a meal first and i walked back to hers and sat in her room watching Teeth.. (she had sex with her own brother in the end just so she could chop his dick off?!?!) and cuddling her cat. We then spent the rest of the night watching all the gay and lesbian films on Netflix.
But yeah, meeting her for the first time was lovely and relaxed and i definitely didn't feel pressurised into forcing myself to be less akward than normal.

On Friday i met Chloe again and we got the bus to go see Alex in Saxilby for a while, which was nice, it was mega warm and we just chilled and ate cheese toasties before attempting to watch a film, which didn't work at all. So we resorted to taking photos. Again.


I just spent the next two days chilling with Roshan really, it was lovely and i'm honestly so glad i met her. Rosh had work on Saturday night again until Midnight, and lucky me had a panic attack whilst she was out. I went into the kitchen to get a drink to calm myself down, next thing i knew i was upstairs and in her sisters room asking if she wanted to watch a film whilst crying and... Bleeding. Relapsed after 2 months. Over nothing really. Over a panic attack because i sent a risky text. And that was BEFORE the text was recieved badly. Well done Sam.
But yeah, her sister was lovely and understanding, bandaged me up and we sat and watched The Matrix until Roshan got home, i'm so glad someone was in or else i don't know what i would have done.
But yeah, less of the depressing stuff...

I got accepted into the college last month to study History, Philosophy and Religious Studies, and will hopefully be moving down (to the bottom apartment of Rosie's dads house, l o l) at the start of July so i can spend my Summer there with the people i love.
As soon as i'm 18 i'll be finding my own place, maybe even getting a place with Louise and Alex if they still wanna move out! Which will be nice and we can just all have a great time and sing in the kitchen to shit radio songs and live off of Macaroni Cheese and toast.
I just can't wait to be living there, actually having opportunities and friends and being happy. It'll be hard at times, but i know in the long run it'll be so so so so so much better for me.

How do i end this now? I've never been good at conclusions ect. No one has probably even read this far anyway. BYEEE GUYS.

Hiya.

Hey... People.
This is me. Really close up me... Because i like my eyes here. But my hair looks dead as hell and it's really not.

I really don't know what i'm doing on here. How does this work o m g.

But yeah, basically, on here i'm going to write about the little, and big things, which irritate me and make me struggle with everything (and that's a lot) and basically just talk about my day and what went right and wrong and ect.

I don't really care if anyone reads this, it's more for my personal use, like.. An online diary which isn't tumblr because too many people see it there.. Yeah.

Bye.

I keep reading Carys' blog so i made my own.

I'm not really sure how to use this properly yet.
I'm sure i'll work it out.

I'll probably just use this to rant where people won't read it as much as tumblr, and it's more easy to delete than a diary.

Yeah. Awesome.