Escapism

I have quite a big problem..

I'd love to act and become different characters to escape from my own life, be someone else with their own problems ect for a while..
But my crippling anxiety stops me from doing anything like that.
Stops me from leaving my house the majority of the time.
Stops me from having any confidence in myself.
Stops me from even trying to do something along them lines.

I feel pathetic that i feel this way too.
After i read about the whole 'Sad Keanu' thing, i felt so stupid.
He's had a worse life than me. He's been through worse.
Yet he still does it. He goes out, he acts, he becomes someone else.
I wish i was strong enough to do that.

I find it hard enough meeting new people, especially if it wasn't planned.
Just last week i met Lynsey in town in Lincoln for the first time, it wasn't planned, we just bumped into each other, and i genuinely froze up and couldn't speak because i was so anxious and panicy to say anything. I'm glad Rosie was with me to talk or i'd have seemed so ignorant and rude and ergh, i really really do hate anxiety.

Also another fucking awful thing is i have nothing to escape in most of the time.
Some people listen to music to make themselves feel better, to forget the problems. I can't.
Some people make art. I can't.
Some people write. I can't.
The only thing i can do is read, which helps for a certain amount of time, but i can't read more than 2 chapters anymore without getting distracted and losing concentraction completely, for no reason, i just can't keep a hold on what is going on.

I've genuinly tried as many things as i can think of to help me get over my anxiety, or at least calm it down, and nothing had worked so far. My anti-depressants are meant to help but i don't think they do at all, they just stop me from strangling myself.

I'm hoping when i finally move to Lincoln i'll be able to go on walks without arming myself with my keys and having the fear of someone constantly following me. Hopefully i'll be able to lose myself in nature and just sit in fields and walk through forests and feel free of all my troubles, even if it is just for an hour or so.
And hopefully my friends will always be up to go out just to do anything at all, take my mind off of things, show me there's hope. Show me they care. I'm not used to people caring. But i know they do. I know i'll be better there. I know i can recover.